My Pet Peeves

Naggers

People who make personal remarks

I-know-it-all people who monopolize conversations

People who get some kind of pleasure in pointing out others mistakes

Bhajan singers- the ones on the train

Oversmart a******s

People who smoke in public places

Relatives who love to lecture

Couples who indulge in indecent behaviour in public places viz. trains buses...If you are so unable to control your raging hormones rent a hotel room and do whatever you want to.

People who love to discuss Shitsvilla day in and day out.

People who ask you your salary- directly or indirectly.

Raghu Ram

Ekta Kapoor

SRK

Being all ears

When I finally stepped off the train at Andheri, I congratulated myself on my iron self-control. After all, I had spent the entire journey from Malad clinging desperately to the rail by the entrance of the compartment, gazing into the distance with a studiedly blank expression on my face, chanting (in my head) this mantra: “I will not laugh. I will not laugh. I will not laugh” and I was so distracted, I was convinced I was going to fall off the train.
That's because I had spent the whole journey eavesdropping on a conversation between two college students. One of them had the most convoluted love life I'd ever come across outside a television soap opera, and I had been so entertained by his account of it and her friend's earnest advice, that I had completely forgotten about the book in my bag - a murder mystery at that! — that I had planned to finish on the train.
I was not at all perturbed about the fact that I was eavesdropping — a dirty, slimy and distinctly un-gentlemanly thing to do, according to Enid Blyton. I was only concerned about the fact that I should not be caught doing it. Hence the “I will not laugh” mantra; hence my self-congratulation on arrival at Andheri. I had not laughed so, once again, my fellow citizens in Mumbai had provided me with free amusement.
“Watching (and listening to) the world go by,” was how I usually described this inclination. My fascination for eavesdropping began after watching the movie 'Following'...in which the actor goes about following random and interesting people he sees around so that he can put them up as characters in his novel.So the next fine morning I wake up and think " Why not try this for a day. Doesn't seem to be dangerous..." And what better place to start this great deed than in a local train which is so frequently used by me.
It’s easy to be an eavesdropper in Mumbai. Lack of space in this crowded city means we’re all practically sitting in each other’s laps anyway, so tuning into the conversations of random strangers requires no effort at all. I’ve eavesdropped while standing in line, at restaurants ,at malls ,on trains and buses, at cinemas and theatres , Some of this eavesdropping is inadvertent, but there are times when I deliberately go out of my way to flap my ears in some strangers’ direction which I continued for a week.
You hear the most interesting and entertaining things, some of which can keep you happy for years. For instance, to this day, my friend and I can relate almost verbatim a conversation we overheard nearly five years ago at Vrindavan in Andheri, between a child and his parents where the child was desperately trying to convince his dad to apologise to him and his mom because he had farted .All learnings of good-manners and behaviour that he had gathered over the years were thrown back at the poor man. We just leapt off our seats, paid the bill and shot off to collapse, laughing hysterically.
You get more than free entertainment when you’re eavesdropping. You get useful advice too, even if it hasn’t actually been directed at you. If you don't believe me just ask the person who invests in shares as to where from does he get those useful tips(I said just 'ask' follow this at your own risk). Standing in line to enter the auditorium a couple of weeks ago at an auditorium, I overheard what seemed to be members of one family earnestly arguing about the best seats in the auditorium. The advantages and disadvantages of seats right in the middle of the top row and right in the middle of the bottom-most row (the seats on the sides were completely dismissed) were listed and dispassionately weighed against each other. Eventually a consensus was reached — the middle of the bottom-most row was judged the absolute best section in the auditorium. When the doors were finally opened, that’s where the family headed. Closely followed by me.
And it’s thanks to eavesdropping that I recently had the finest Pulaos of my life at Brittania Cafe I was waiting, bored, for a friend, when I listened to a very small but highly opinionated young lady telling her friend exactly what she wanted to eat. It sounded excellent so I just had to quietly note down the address when she was giving it to her friend, I just had to talk to a few friends about this who somehow knew about this place. It was the best meal I had had in ages. I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t eavesdropped.
But a small conversation I once had with my friend totally changed my idea about eavesdropping. I had always known it was bad to hear to someone's private conversations but thought 'What the heck who cares'.What really hurts is when you are on the receiving end...Just imagine...you are in a bus or train and the person with you is talking unabashedly(read bitching)about his very very special friend constantly referring to him/her as Chhava/item throwing her the choicest cuss words and off course totally oblivious of the fact that there are 10 other people listening to this supposedly juicy conversation and one amongst them is an uncle or aunty living in your neighbourhood. Just the look on their face is enough to know what they now think about you. As my friend put it 'Ijjat ki dhajjiyaan ud jaati hain'.So that is where I decided to stop this habit of flapping my ears around.

Advice-who needs some

I am sure nobody enjoys unsolicited advice and unsolicited counseling. I just hate it when people assume you need help and are forever ready with ‘quick-fix’ advice. By ‘people’, I mean those who are just ‘acquaintances’- the hi-bye types, those you ‘dislike’ to the core, and those ‘meddlesome’ types.

“If I were you”, “had I been in this situation”, “I think you should…”, “I suggest…”- all this claptrap is bloody pissing off.
The best and the worst advice usually comes for medical treatment..."U said he is suffering from cancer. Take him to Ramdev Baba he is sure to cure him."When bloody sciece is not able to find a foolproof cure how is some Baba gonna cure someone of cancer.Astonishingly these are the people who will never in their life call up to check if you are doing fine or even say a few words to just pep you up, get you in a good mood. Only shit they can talk is advice.

It’s not annoying if the advice is coming from a good friend, a genuine well wisher, an experienced person, a stranger who really wants to help or genuine people who genuinely care.

Unsolicited opinions are just not welcome- but freelance advisors seem to know it all.

Why can’t people resist the temptation to advice?

I especially avoid those ‘insecure’ people who have somehow convinced themselves into believing the jhoot that they are living life to the fullest. They presume you are unhappy and launch into an unending, sermonish chatter on how you should start to live life to the hilt. This is merely a projection of the speaker’s own feeling of failure and inadequacy.

Kambakht Crass

I should probably keep my mouth shut…but I can’t! I have to sit through a more pathetic film far more worse than the Chandni chowk….. and even more deplorable than the Singh is Kingggg. Deplorable is too kind a word for this disgusting , Racist ,thrashy movie full of crude gags..In one scene some one farts on Amrita Arora’s face and you feel she deserved something worse than this. I don’t care if this film breaks all box –office records –- a lousy film is a lousy film. I mean what comedy are you talking about –Javed Jaffery playing a typical kathiyawad bred gujju who prides in calling himself a suuar. What is the bloody point in shooting films abroad and reflecting the lives of NRIs who have no problem in sleeping around but get into the totally Indian sati-savitri mode when it comes to marrying. Which surgeon goes to work clad in a borderline hooker attire?...Yes but there is one change that Kambahkht Ishq has brought about…thanks to Kareena Kapoor slutty nurses are now passé . People maybe will now look forward to their surgeries…But that is abroad people in India please don’t go to hospitals expecting a Bebo to make things happen . Also doctors in India can feel proud of the fact that in India only surgical instruments are left in the patients’ bodies.
For some reason filmmakers believe an overdose of black rapper music,wall-to-wall bikini bimbettes,toilet humour and abusive dialogues make a film more hip. Filthy lingo sometimes sounds good but when Kareena calls all men ‘bastards’ and is called a bitch throughout the film that is plain crass…Get a life people. And one that takes the cake the narcissistic number ‘Bebo main Bebo’. Aren’t your paychecks enuff that you now need songs written for you. I need to ask these film-makers one question “On what grounds are you calling this film a joint venture of sorts having actors like Sly Stallone and Denise Richards in ‘blink and u’ll miss them’ roles? Sign a Leonardo Dicaprio or a Tom Cruise and then talk.” And one more point I am just curious are we Indians so good at kissing that a peck on the cheek makes Denise Richards say that it was the best kiss of her life and she would look forward to kissing some more Indians(she didn’t even mention Indian actors)…Is a certain Mr. Hashmi listening!!!

O-bum-a

MEN OGLE. It is our fundamental right.But a picture is not necessarily worth a thousand words...As it is said many-a-times "Jo dikhta hai woh hota nahi hai aur jo hota hai wo dikhta nahi hai"
I am totally in awe of President Barack Obama. The camera just caught him at that inopportune moment. These bloody cameramen want to have their pictures have the final word.

(My guess is Obama was just helping her down the stairs. He deserves the benefit of the doubt. Sarkozy doesn't).

French President Nicolas Sarkozy is definitely ogling. (The pervert cannot stop grinning in both the pix).I just dont understand Mr. SarKozy when u've got a wife(or watever she is) like Carla Bruni why do you need to do such things. Atleat once in a while try being chivalrous.

Ek Umbrella Jo Badal De Aapki Duniya

This incident happened just a few days ago. It was supposedly the monsoon season… we were 3 people returning from college…me, he and she (me and he: male – she: female…This explanation is for those people who are grammatically sound and consider 'whatever-other-than-he-and-she' as third person i.e. It…) And it suddenly started raining…Fortunately, I had an umbrella with me…Unfortunately He and She didn't have umbrella…He pretended to sacrifice and I had to accommodate her under my umbrella…Considering the sizeof my umbrella , one more person could easily have fitted in…So far, everything was O.K…And I got a 440-Volts shock (not because of lightning) when she held my right hand with her both hands…I felt embarrassed…Not because I disliked her…But from the fact that this happened in public…I thought each tree standing on the road, each stone lying on the road and every human being walking on the road, are looking at us…At the same time, I knew that she had utmost faith in me as a friend…but Indian public doesn't think the same way as she does…
Here is the comparison of what public might have thought and what was actually happening…

1) People thought that I forgot my friend (i.e. He) when I had a girl to share my umbrella…While I was showering him all the 'blessings' that I had in my vocabulary…for leaving me alone in a tricky situation and having a wicked laugh while running away from us…

2) People thought these 2 are walking a long path towards eternity…While it was about to end once we reached the bus-stop…

3) People thought these 2 are having romantic gupshup…While she was talking about Shitsvilla…more the reason for me to run away from her.
4) People thought these 2 are humming the song "Pyaar hua…ikraar hua hai…"While I was singing "Yeh kahaan aa gaye hum…”
5) People thought that I was folding my jeans to be Raj-kapoor-look-alike…While I was preparing myself to be able to run fast…away from her…

6) People thought that I was holding umbrella to protect her from rains…While I was waiting for heavy wind…so that I could use my umbrella as a parachute…to get myself landed in safer area…(ok this one sucked)

7) People said "Look at this Boy…who is jumping with Joy…" While I was comparing my footwork with that of Indian cricketers against Ajantha Mendis…

8) People thought of us as "Viru-and-basanti" from Sholay…While I was blaming myself for not pretending to be Thakur from Sholay…as it could have saved me from this embarrassment…

When we entered the bus, I kept my umbrella and my bag beside me…and thus forced her to occupy another seat…I called my distant friend from my mobile…and made her to talk to 'He'…Kitna bura hoon main…Some people talk to strangers and write a blog…And here I am, who treated my friend as a stranger and then wrote a blog…
These are the After-effects of this incident…
1) Now I don't use my umbrella to protect myself from rains…but to hide my face from public…
2) I always confirm who is coming with me and whether he or she is carrying an umbrella or not…
3) I am planning to buy a mini-umbrella…which can be attached to my head…No question of accommodating anyone…
4) And I am suffering from Umbrella-Phobia…

Ever wondered how these profs set the question papers? well this is how-
Prof 1:There is no fun in our life!
Prof 2:(disinterested) ya!
Prof 1:Can we do something to make it interesting?
Prof 2:(disinterested)Nope
Prof 1:yes we can! What do you say we set a really difficult paper for sem 6 students? Won’t that be fun?!! I know…we can set the complete paper out of syllabus
Prof 3 overhears the conversation
Prof 3: You know ,setting questions out of the syllabus is not allowed in mumbai university
Prof 1:Who cares??
Prof 3:If you set such a paper you will be thrown out of the University
Prof 1: er..on second thought…maybe that is not so much fun…I know…we can set questions which are least expected by the student fraternity…Or maybe we will twist the easy questions in such a way that they become unsolvable…or/and we could have some critical data missing in the problem so that students waste time racking their brains…are you with me Prof 2?
Prof 2:Ya…Why not give them the toughest question for maximum marks and even make it compulsory.
Prof 1:Well Prof.2 …u are a sadist…are you with me Prof 3?
Prof 3:I dont think thats very smart…Prof 2?
Prof 2: (disinterested)whatever!